i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
