My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
