He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
