The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
