Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You took a bar mat shot.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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