whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
