i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
