why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
