One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
