I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
