Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
