Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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