My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
