Your mouth is God's brothel.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
