a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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