No stitches, just platelets and will power
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
