WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
