I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
