just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
