So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
