Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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