every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
