I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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