i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
