I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
