Got a toothbrush?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
