Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
