That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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