If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
