and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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