the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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