nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
