I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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