you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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