I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
