I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
