Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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