remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
