so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
