my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
