i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
