i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
