If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
