I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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