So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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