Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
