when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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