I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
