my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
