Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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