how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We need to get me chipped asap
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
